A Note from a Non-Coffee Drinker

I’m an adult who doesn’t like to drink coffee. Yes, I am the mythical unicorn, rumored to exist but whose existence has never been believably verified. There are more of us than you think, you just have to know what to look for. When you ask a friend, “Do you want to meet for coffee?” and they pause ever so slightly before responding, “umm sure,” chances are you have encountered a full-fledged grown up who doesn’t enjoy coffee.  To verify your hunch, keep track of what they order, if it is always a chai tea, smoothie, or apple cider, chances are good you have found a non-coffee drinker.

I know your first instinct will be to ask all kinds of ignorant questions like, “but don’t you just love the way coffee smells?” (The answer, in case you’re curious, is no, not at all, but we will politely tolerate your coffee breath all the same.)  You may go on to try to convince them that they can learn to love it, or that they should just try it the fancy way you like it, but let me clue you in, if by the age over 30 we have not made a real effort to try to get behind the cultural staple of coffee, we never will. (Yes, we understand that the beans are fair-trade and that is artisan roasted, but unfortunately none of these factors change the fact that it tastes like slowly burnt vomit.)

Yes, we non-coffee drinkers know that we are missing out on the energy boost you enjoy.  But to be completely honest, we consider ourselves to be slightly superior to you for not needing it. We like to think that we are healthier and stronger because we aren’t addicted to coffee like the rest of the world. Then, every few months a new article comes out about all the incredible health benefits of drinking coffee and bursts our bubble of smug superiority. So go on being skinny, smart, chipper little coffee drinkers, we’ll be over here, staring at the menu, trying to decide what to order so we can hang out with you, but we’ll still feel a little self-righteous about all the money we don’t spend on coffee every day.