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A Heartfelt Thank You to the Poison Control Operators

Dear Poison Control Operator,

Thank you for not immediately sending CPS to my door with a warrant for my arrest. Thank you for not responding with a shocked and horrified gasp when I told you that my child ate deodorant. Thanks for not asking, “What on earth were you doing that was so much more important than supervising your child, you terrible parent?!”

Thank you for noticing the quiver in my voice and asking me how I was doing, like I was a normal human being that made a mistake, and not like some monster who should never have been allowed to have children in the first place.

Thank you for not keeping a record of how many times I have called or what kind of mischief I have let my children get into (yes, we do have you on speed dial, and again, thank you for the suggestion.)

Thank you for not answering, “Oh hey, Savannah, what did they get into now?  What did Truett swallow today?”

Thank you for not sarcastically asking me if I have ever heard of child safety locks (yes, I have, however, the combination of my husband’s genes and mine have created children that could give MacGuyver some pointers.)

Thank you for not requesting a Christmas Card since I talk to you more often some of my extended relatives, and thank you for not telling my mother just how often I end up calling you.

Thank you for being so patient and understanding that I feel relaxed calling you each and every time that I am worried about my child. It’s so much more comforting than curling up into a paralyzed ball of fear and shame while my husband consults Dr. Google for, “How toxic is sunscreen when ingested by a curious 3-year old?”

Thank you for talking to parents like me day in and day out, every day of the year, and not giving up on the human race all together and starting an online petition for the mandatory sterilization of humanity or remedial parenting classes. Last but not least, thank you for not asking me to sign those petitions upon the completion of our most recent phone conversation. Oh, and yes, I do have the poison control center on speed dial. Thank you for asking.

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