Tonight’s tales from the internet…This is the transcript of an actual conversation I had tonight. I wish I was making this up, and yes, I’m in a bit of a snarky mood. As we’re setting up the SmileBait website, we’re trying a lot of things out. Some things work, some don’t. Like a bunch of Freshmen in college, we’re experimenting.
I tried adding a pop-up to our site the other night while everyone was sound asleep. It didn’t work and I’ve since replaced it with another that I’m hoping will work the way it should. The jury is still out.
That said, the first pop-up was an utter disaster. I’m really hoping that it didn’t direct anyone to their long lost uncles who tragically find themselves working in a Nigerian internet cafe. However, if it did and he really does have $400 million to give you, please call me. I’d be happy to accept a finder’s fee.
The conversation with their tech support was not quite what I expected. This is a transcript of that chat. I wish I was making this up, but it’s becoming all too clear that even tech support is struggling to find good people these days:
Me: Hi, the pop-up that I’ve downloaded from your site doesn’t function properly.
Mastermind Sarah: We’re sorry to hear that. Which pop-up?
Me: The one that has the Facebook link.
Mastermind: Yes, of course (That’s the only one we offer). What seems to be the problem?
Me: I’ve adjusted the settings and it’s not functioning properly. The instructions were very simple, I tested the pop-up on your site and everything worked, then I made it live on mine.
Mastermind: And, did that work?
Me: Absolutely! I was just bored and said to myself, “Geez, I have nothing to do tonight, let’s chat with tech support.” That’s why I’m chatting with you after clicking on the “report a problem” link.
Mastermind: That’s very nice of you. And, did you try any other solutions?
Me: Yep. I stood on my chair singing the lyrics to Stand by Me followed by a beautiful jazz rendition of Kumbaya because I was hoping to inspire the pop-up to be my friend and follow me to where I’m going to find the brain that has clearly fallen out of your head. No, I didn’t try anything else. Unlike most men, I actually followed the instructions on your site and contacted tech support to report a broken feature.
Mastermind: Um, ok. What specifically isn’t working?
Me: It’s not closing the way it should and it’s not tracking likes.
Mastermind: Ahh, yes. It doesn’t do that.
Me: Exqueese me?
Mastermind: Those features are not functional.
Me: But, on your sign-up page it says they are functional.
Mastermind: That’s correct. They’re not functional, yet.
Me: OOOOHHHH Kay. So, you want me to test this pop-up out, fall madly in love with it, give you my credit card and put a ring on this program even though it’s about as reliable as my ex-girlfriend?
Mastermind: We’re working on getting those features fixed.
Me: You sound like my ex, too. And, when pretell do you think they will be fixed?
Me: So, you want me to spend $49 a month for the next three months for a pop-up that’s broken and MIGHT be fixed in January?
Mastermind: Yes. We think it’s worth the wait.
Me: No, waiting for Katie Holmes to give you the green light to slide into home plate after a cheap bottle of wine is worth the wait.
Mastermind: So, you’re not interested in purchasing the pop-up.
Me: Does it work?
Mastermind: No, but it will.
Me: Why would I do that?
Mastermind: Because our pop-up is the best, most advanced in the market.
Me: Does it work?
Mastermind: No, but it will.
Me: Please, lose my email.
Mastermind: So, you don’t want us to bill you $49 per month for the benefits and features our pop-up will offer your business? It’s a great deal.
Me: No means no.
Mastermind: Sir, there is no need to get snippy. Our pop-up will give you the…
Me: You’re pissing me off now. I’m not interested.
Mastermind: But, we haven’t even told you about…
Me: Are you in Nigeria? Your English is very good for a Nigerian.
Mastermind: No, sir. I’m in Cleveland.
Me: So, you’re a Nigerian hooker living in Cleveland.
Mastermind: I’m not a hooker!
Me: You’re the one trying to screw me for money, ergo, hooker.
Mastermind: No one is trying to screw anyone!
Me: Yes you are. And, you’re not being very seductive about it. You’re going to have to show me some leg if you want me to open my wallet.
Mastermind: We’re trying to sell you a product that will help your business go far.
Me: A product that doesn’t work.
Mastermind: Yet. It will.
Me: Tell you what: You get me Katie’s home phone number and we’ll talk. If SHE buys your pop-up, I’ll buy it. But, only after she has a cheap bottle of wine with me. Of course, I’m not sure I’d trust her judgment. She did marry Tom Cruise and anyone who would buy your product is clearly a moron.
Mastermind: Do you know what the chances of that happening are?
Me: About the same as me giving you my credit card to buy a pop-up that doesn’t work.
Mastermind: So, does this mean you’re not interested?
Me: In what, drinks with Katie or your pop-up?
Mastermind: Do you know how annoying you are?
Me: About as annoying as a company that tries to sell people a product that’s as reliable as a Soviet car or a campaign promise?
Mastermind: I don’t even know what a Soviet is.
Me: You’re in the wrong business. Have you tried selling french fries? Five, ten years of practice and hard work and I think you could move up to garden salads.
Mastermind: Ok, fine. Can we contact you with special offers and opportunities in the future?
Me: Absolutely! But, only if those special offers involve dinner with Katie Holmes, or breakfast in bed with Jennifer Love Hewitt. If any of your special offers involve those, please, contact me immediately. I’ll buy oceanfront in Tucson and your pop-up if that’s part of the package.
Mastermind: Alright. Thank you. We will.
15 minutes later…I received an email from the company asking me to buy their pop-up and reminding me how great it will maybe, possibly, someday become…
Could someone please throw some chlorine into the gene pool?